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Às vezes me pego pensando o que eu poderia fazer para trazer minha felicidade de volta.Ou melhor, fico pensando, o que a levou para longe de mim. E para minha infelicidade, caio sempre nas mesmas respostas. Uma miscelânea que coisasa acontecer, porém nem 2% está ao meu alcançe. OK,
MINHA FELICIDADE DEPENDE DOS OUTROS.
eu admito, sempre foi assim.Muitos podem vim com bláblá dizendo que isso é ruim, porém eu, particulamente achoque isto mostra o quanto eu sou verdadeira e intensa nas minhas relações.Tão verdadeira e intensa, que a cada pessoa que cativo e vice-versa deposito um pedaçode mim nela, um pedaço da minha felicidade. E a medida em que elas vão se distanciando, partindo, mudando, eu vou sentindo saudade desses meus pedaços que já não tenho mais perto de mim. Me sinto vazia.
Esse ano já começou horrivelmente mal - eu fugindo de rojões em Buenos Aires - e assim continuou. A doença em Bahia Blanca, a falta dos meus amigos, o boliche depois do acampamento, as mentiras descobertas, a decepção, o carnaval, as pessoas novas no grupo, a saída da dança... E todos esses acontecimentos levaram partes minha. E eu fui me fechando, achando que tudo ia passar. Mas não passou, e está demorando - mais do que eu imaginava - a passar.
Não passa em nenhum momento pela minha cabeça, deixar de ser o que sou e deixar deseguir meus ideias para estar com eles. E do jeito que estava, eu já não me sentia mais feliz, eu me irritavacom o que meu amigos haviam se tornado.Entre ser infeliz e irritada ou ser só infeliz, ainda prefiro a segunda opção.
Estou vivendo a base de instântes de alegria, e os confundindo com a real felicidade. Mas sabe o pior?Niguém enxerga isso. Sabe por quê? Porque eu não transpareço, preciso sempre estar feliz, sorrindo, vivendo como uma adolescênte tola e fútil que não tem problemas.
E assim vão passando meus dias, eu estudando, pensando no vestibular, amando meu irmão, tentando esquecer o que me fez sofrer, esperando um encontro em algum lugar (in)esperado.Vou ouvindo músicas, me lembrando dos momentos bons, vivendo do passado e imaginando onde estarão meus pedaços nessa confusão toda.Vou lendo, tendo contado com cultura, tentando ser uma pessoa melhor, recordando as palavras,o que me ensinou e os abraços.
Vou levando.
[foto: lembrança de uma sexta-feira MUITO feliz.]
Editado: só agora vi que já postei essa foto, mas vai ficar.
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